Week Two

we're baaaack, did you miss me, cause I missed you

IN:

• being productive during a panic attack

• having an older sister

• going to Home Depot with your Dad (Happy Father’s Day, Daddio (& Alex))

• calling your chores “life admin”

• taking the ferry to work/home when the L train is down

• Jersey Shore summers (always & forever)

Me (in red, duh) & aforementioned older sister at the Jersey Shore for the first time, circa 1997. Look at how chill, how welcoming, how perfectly home the Jersey Shore is - radiating warmth.

OUT:

• shitty posture

• saying “I’m not on TikTok” (ok so you hate being aware of the culture?)

• IG sending me ads for articles called “Should You Just Give Up?”

• having to wash your white bedsheets (callback)

• not using the Oxford comma

• Hamptons summers (except for Esther and Abby’s homes)

I mean…a brutal ad to come up more than once on my IG. And to make it worse, it’s an article from Oct 2024, not even a recent plug. Great read though, 10/10 would recommend.

BFFR:

In: Jersey Shore summers

Out: Hamptons summers

This one is a bit of a 2-for-1 deal, and I make the rules here, so if I want to mix two things for my BFFR I can.

Listen, say what you want about the Hamptons, I’ve been, it’s nice, I get the allure - but you need to get a grip. For starters, there’s barely a lick of cell service on that entire stretch of Long Island. So you’re traversing what can only be described as dense wilderness without any form of a map or GPS because your signal is shot the second you’re 5 feet outside of your house. How is that a way to live in 2025? How are all of you putting up with that? But ok fine, you’ve downloaded “offline Google maps” and now that you’ve left the house and made it to civilization, good luck spending less than $200 dollars for absolutely anything, ever, anywhere. As a self-described lover of nice things (and a dabbler in pretension), even I have trouble justifying it. I love Citarella, I love Jack’s Stir Brew, I love a good restaurant - but we can have all of that any day in New York City, I don’t need my beach town to have all of that too (and upcharge me x2 for it). And honestly, the beaches are just fine, but every beach feels like you’re accidentally on someone’s private beach somehow and an older couple is about to come chasing you off the land any minute. And the beach is so far away from most of the houses?? What even is the point? And don’t get me started on how long it takes to get to the Hamptons from NYC…why are you all sitting in traffic for four hours there and back?? I mean to each his own I guess…

But you know what place doesn’t have any of these issues? The Jersey Shore. I’m almost worried that if I let you all in on this secret I’ll get in trouble for inviting Bennys to the shore. Luckily, the Jersey Shore got a bad edit from the infamous TV show named after it and that has spared us from too many people realizing that LBI may be heaven on earth. Or that the restaurants in Asbury Park, Sea Bright, and truly all along the shore (shout out Taka and Anjelica’s) are rivaling those in NYC (and aren’t as expensive). Or that Spring Lake may actually be what people in the Hamptons think they’re experiencing/living but they just haven’t been to Spring Lake yet to see how much better their lives could be there. Everyone is biking to the beach (as God intended) because the houses are all that close to the beach. And if you have to drive, there’s plenty of parking for you all over - you will find a spot. There are beaches with boardwalks and games and cheesy rides (if you’re into that sort of thing, I’m not, but still, we have it!) and there are beaches with stores and shops and restaurants on the water. Everyone is there with the same goal: to be on the beach, near the ocean, and get as tan as humanly possible. It’s not a place to dress up and “be seen” (unless you’re going to Parker House, D’jais, or Osprey, then I guess you’re dressing up and want to be seen). The Jersey Shore is not stuffy, or putting on any airs. It’s casual. You bring your towel and/or your Tommy Bahama chair and umbrella set that you got from Costco. And that’s it. It’s a place to relax and live your life as freely as you’d like (aka eat all of your beach sandwiches and snacks immediately upon arrival) without any judgment (unless you’re from out of town and do annoying things because then we will judge you and tell you to stop). We have phone service up and down the entire shoreline, and regularly priced places to have lunch, get a coffee, or grocery shop (or more importantly, get ice cream). There’s already something so particular, so special, about being from New Jersey, but belonging to the Jersey Shore? That’s something else entirely. I hope everyone gets to really experience it in all of its glory in their lifetime, but then again I also hope you don’t because I don’t want you noobs overcrowding my beaches - feel free to go to the Hamptons for that!

And I don’t want to hear it about California beaches and “not having to pay for parking” or “not having to pay for the beach” or “getting to go to the beach year-round”. (1) The public paying to keep public goods nice and clean is a good thing; (2) The Pacific Ocean is cold year round and that’s all I needed to hear to know that it’s not for me; and (3) if you’re able to go to the beach year round you take it for granted and don’t actually appreciate it for what it’s worth.

East Coast summer elitism over everything.

Xx,

B

Bonus photos to prove my point further:

What I imagine the entrance to Heaven looks like…

Are you kidding me with these colors, you show off!!

Case closed. No better place on Earth.

P.S. If there are any items on my list above that I did not discuss in the BFFR that you would like to comment on, there’s a comment section for a reason. Have at it.