Week Twenty-Two
you look like fning clowns
IN:
children who take Halloween too seriously
saying hi to dogs (not their owners)
your friend hosting a screening for their new short film that your other friend shot
heat lamps outside at a restaurant
crazy rainstorms (only when you’re safely inside all day and don’t have to go outside)
OUT:
adults who take Halloween too seriously
90-day cough that still won’t go away (hasn’t been 90 days yet I guess)
all of the good places to get a half-soup half-sandwich vanishing from NYC (RIP Hale & Hearty, I still miss you)
paying 6 dollars for a miso soup that shows up half-empty (pemissmist af of me, but come on!!!!)
Substack taking actual hours to send me the “shareable assets” for my posts, delaying/ruining my whole IG story vibe
BFFR:
In: children who take Halloween too seriously
Out: adults who take Halloween too seriously
Yeah yeah yeah, sorry, I’m the Grinch of Halloween. If this is your first Halloween in my life, you should be comforted by the fact that this is not a new take for me; it’s actually one of my oldest, nearest, and dearest takes. Halloween sucks, and the adults who go all out dressing up for Halloween can’t be trusted.
There are some clarifications to my feelings that I should make off the bat. Halloween is an incredibly fun holiday for children. If you have children in your life in any way, it is your duty to make it an incredibly joyful and fun day for them. Be extremely interested in their costume choice (and decision-making behind the costume), give them as much candy as possible, and let them watch all the fun children’s Halloween movies. And if a child tells (it’s usually tells, not asks) you to dress up as something, you'd better be as chipper as can be and ready to dress up as whatever that thing is! The day is for the children, and we as adults are merely there to help them have the time of their lives.
BUT if you’re an adult, without children, I need you to be so fucking for real and get a grip. Stop it right now. You are not a child. You do not need to be planning your costume out 3 months in advance. Do you hear yourself right now??? Are you ok??? “I’m going to be Tommy Shelby from Peaky Blinders this year!!” Like? I’m sorry, are you alright (insert British accent)?? First of all, you’re not Cillian Murphy (you never will be, because that man loves to read), and second of all, you’re a GROWN UP. How about you “be” someone who is a mature, normal human being instead!! Will likely require just as much forethought and planning!!
“Womp womp womp, B has to be such a Debbie Downer, why can’t you let us live and have fun???” Because you all look like fning clowns. Even those of you not literally dressed up as clowns. And no, being extremely into Halloween as an adult is not the kind of “embarrassing” that I’ve been telling people to lean into; it’s the kind that shows that you have Peter Pan syndrome and don’t want to deal with the fact that you need to grow up. Almost as bad as Disney Adults, actually, I think in the Venn diagram between people who love Halloween and Disney Adults, it’s a full circle.
I will admit, I love the opportunity to eat my weight in candy, and to see how cute all of the children look in their little costumes. Hearing a baby say “trick or treat,” oh my god, I could literally die, it’s the sweetest thing in the entire world. But the joy that those kids bring me gets absolutely crushed the second I see some weird adult person with fake blood coming down their face, practically pushing a child out of the way for attention. Is that the issue? Did these adults not get enough attention as kids or during their day-to-day that they need it now on this random “holiday” every year?
And you know what? Everyone looks so uncomfortable on Halloween. The makeup is like sliding off your faces, and the outfits are made of cheap, weird material that just isn’t cute. By the end of the night, half of your costumes are gone, so you’re barely even in the costume anymore, so then you just look like you’re poorly dressed and sweaty.
See, I am a Grinch about it, almost borderline too mean about it. But yes, I hear it in my writing, I get it, I am being rude. The only difference between me and the Grinch is that this story doesn’t have a good ending where my heart grows three sizes or whatever tf, don’t expect me to understand any of this.
And no, don’t put the weird misogynist take on me that I hate Halloween because some girls dress “slutty” — I am all here for the slutty looks, girlie pops!! Take the power back!! But you can just be doing that year-round if you want to!! I just hate that you’re doing it dressed as a fucking nurse or whatever the fuck. Don’t let these people tell you how you can dress and that there’s only one day a year you can wear less clothes and it be “acceptable.” DO WHAT YOU WANT WITH YOUR BODY WHEN YOU WANT TO. I personally have too many issues (clearly, as is evident with this post and many of my past posts) to be partaking, but I’ll cheer you all on every other day of the year.
All of this to say, I really need you all to look in the mirror. Especially today, when you’re putting these costumes on and then going out in public while wearing them. Hopefully, while you’re out, you’ll catch a glimpse of a child also wearing a costume, and you'll see how ridiculous you look when you compare yourself to that adorable angel who is just trying to earn some treats.
Unfortunately, I am preparing to go to a “Hollywood” themed Halloween party tonight. And I’ll have you know, every idea I came up with made every single person in my life roll their eyes (again, I understand I am in the minority with my take during this BFFR). My friends are so over me and my desire to do the bare minimum to qualify as a costume. (I was Eli Manning four years in a row during High School, so I’ve been reaching for the bare minimum for a long time; just throw that #10 jersey on and I was good to go, babydoll). Sorry that I think dressing up as Gracie Abrams going out on the town for the first time publicly with Paul Mescal while also constantly lifting up her cardigan (??) is a great “Hollywood” costume!! I am the expert in this entertainment field, take it from me!! (I might still be this, watch this space).
You will see on Monday what happens to me tonight, what I decide to wear, and whether I make it through. In the meantime, I’ll be requesting a million photos of my niece and living vicariously through her (as the rest of you should try to do with the children in your lives) and continue to eat far too much candy until I get so sick that I never want to see candy again (until next year).
More importantly than all of the above, it’s NYC Marathon Day on Sunday!!! I cannot wait to be posted up in Williamsburg, cheering on all my favorite runners (Allison, Jill, Darrell, Genna, Mark, etc etc etc!!!). Best day of the year <3
Xx,
B
I know I have a million other photos from childhood and Halloween, but this is all I had on my camera roll at the moment, so two-year-old B dressed as a clown is all you’re getting!!
Technically, the rest of these are from Aleca’s birthday (which is famously only a few days before Halloween), and Adria was taking my Dorothy costume to wear (which she obviously never returned!!!!!!!), so I had to put on my 50s poodle skirt costume for that year to compete for attention.
Very cool, very extreme youngest sister energy, B.
See you Monday!! Happy Halloween or whatever.
