Week Twenty-Three
soup szn
IN:
the J.Crew Cosmo pants (I need 50 more pairs and to live in them forever)
owning “too many” oversized, washed-out beach-town sweatshirts
watching the NYC Marathon (fully support all the runners, thanks for giving me my favorite day of the year)
Jennifer Lawrence on Las Culturistas announcing that she’s producing a Miss Piggy movie with Emma Stone and with Cole Escola writing!! If I find out this is fake, I will riot. I need this now. I am already seated for it!
friends making you their versions of Italian wedding soup
saying “oh hell yeah, brother” to anyone and everyone
OUT:
microwaves
running in the NYC Marathon (sure I’ll support you in person and cheer for you, but theoretically in my heart of hearts running will always be out)
the NYRR app crashing and not working during the Marathon, rendering me incapable of tracking any of my friends and their progress
people who take intermural kickball too seriously (I almost fought a large grown man tonight. The NJ came out so fast. Get the hell out of my face!)
army men in Grand Central giving directions to tourists…(sooooo that’s what they’re paying you (or do they even have money to pay you rn??) to do? Be Google Maps? Sigh, let these kids go home please)
Son del North saying they can’t deliver until NOVEMBER 19th????
IG moving their dm button/all of their buttons/layout — everyone stop moving shit around!! Stop!
BFFR:
Out: microwaves
Quick and easy one for you this week. Microwaves are insane, and I don’t trust them, and it’s my one conspiracy theory “woo woo” thing (actually, I definitely have more than one) that I will not budge on.
I famously didn’t grow up with a microwave; my parents got rid of ours pretty quickly into my childhood, so we’ve been a heat up leftovers/food on a stove top/convection oven kind of family for a long time. I don’t think it’s because my parents thought that the radiation/waves from microwaves were seeping into our food or dangerous (even if that is possible…), I actually have been told many times it’s because “the food doesn’t taste as good heated up that way” and they’re unfortunately 100% correct. It doesn’t.
Everything that is supposed to be crispy, once heated up in a microwave, is soggy as fuuuuuuck. Pizza? Horrifying, don’t do it. Leftovers from any restaurant ever? Soggy and gross. I don’t know the science behind microwaves, but it’s got something to do with water, I think, and heating the water up? And that, my friends, leads to sogginess. Why are you all so ok eating the mediocrely warmed-up wet food?
I will admit, the one snag of not growing up with a microwave is that in the few instances I do have to use a microwave, I have no sense of how long something takes to be heated up. My last two apartments haven’t had microwaves either, so I really only see one at the office. Does this soup need 1 minute? 5 minutes?? Ok, let’s try for 5, but now somehow half the soup is still cold while the other half is boiling hot? Now I’m standing in front of this communal microwave for way too long, huffing and puffing at myself while everyone else is also waiting to heat up their sad lunches. Remind me to just go to Naya instead!! How do you all manage/deal with this?? Where’s the consistency??
I might also just be scarred from my childhood. I remember trying to heat up a bagel (the most NJ start of a sentence) when I was far too young to be trusted to use a microwave on my own. The bagel was frozen, I think, so I put it in the microwave for 5 minutes. I was home alone with my older sister, who was probably too busy watching some show on MTV that we weren’t allowed to be watching at our age, and not paying attention to me, and I just remember smelling smoke. The inside of the bagel was black and smoking, and I had quite literally lit the bagel on fire. I ran outside (with the bagel) and threw it away in the garbage…still smoking. The microwave smelled like it was on fire, the entire house smelled like it was on fire, the garbage outside was smoking so the whole backyard smelled like it was on fire. Aleca was still busy watching Room Raiders or some shit, so she didn’t realize what was happening until I sprinted into the room to tell her. Naturally, by the time my parents came home, I was convinced the smoke smell was gone, but nope, I had just gotten used to it. They freaked out (duh), and to be honest, not long after that, the microwave was gone forever.
Good riddance. Life has been better since. Crispier pizza, and tots, and other shitty food you can make in a small toaster oven. Popcorn made on the stove is way more authentic and fun than microwave popcorn. My food all heats up at the same rate, and half of it isn’t boiling while the other half is still frozen. And at least with ovens and stoves, I understand how my food is getting warmer!! I do not understand the science behind that mysterious box they call a microwave. Sure, there are “waves” that heat up “particles” or whatever the fuck. Like, keep your science talk to yourself, miss me with that!!
Heating food up the old-fashioned way on an oven or stove also teaches patience and care — you need to keep careful watch over your things, can’t just abandon them and walk away. People who use microwaves and are used to that speedy way of life just turn into impatient, mean people (now I’m reaching, but I figured I’d just dig in and go for it, why not?? Big Microwave gonna come after me??).
Next time you use a microwave and eat heated-up particles or whatever the hell you’re eating, I hope you think of me. And regret your choices. If you have no other option (like we all sometimes do at the office), then I am sorry and condolences, and we will get through this and be strong together.
My campaign against microwaves continues, and I hope to see it on the ballot in 2026 and beyond.
Xx,
B
Can second that Tanya makes a perfect Italian wedding soup
Always wondered why you never had a microwave… get an air fryer lol