Week Forty-Nine
you make me wanna roll my windows down
IN:
the Knicks (duh)
the Yankees (double duh)
flowers from Trader Joe’s
Gigi Hadid’s hair at the MET Gala
living in a city where you can sit in a park on a Tuesday and have dinner (read: Son Del North, the best burritos in NYC) with your friends after work
OUT:
cruises
having to press a button for someone to unlock the trapped items at CVS/Duane Reade and alerting the entire store that you need something, but then that CVS employee never shows up to your aisle to help you out, so you have to awkwardly walk away and not buy the iron supplement you wanted — guess you don’t want my money!!
The MET Gala (in general, mainly this year, the Bezos of it all made it kind of bland and boring, and everyone looks so frail, and the vibes were just kind of off…)
waiting 45 mins in the waiting room at the doctor’s office for your appointment to only last 5 mins
BFFR:
OUT: cruises
I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again, they will NEVER be IN. I don’t care if they’re all inclusive, or you can bring your kids, or they’re an “easy” vacation. Stop it!!! Do something else!
No one needs to be going on boats the size of a small city that have their own ecosystems and laws and are clearly breeding grounds for infection and diseases and horror (and murder and crime and LAWLESSNESS). Not to be dramatic or anything, but if you’re not fully ready to die a horrible death, then do not go on a cruise. Easy as that.
Let’s put this new horrific hantavirus aside (we’ll be back to it, don’t you worry) and focus on the lawlessness part of a cruise ship first. You are out to sea, aka in international waters, and the laws of the ship are what govern you. If you haven’t watched Amy Bradley Is Missing on Netflix, I almost don’t recommend you do (bc it’s so scary), unless you’re pro-cruise. Then you need to sit down and immediately watch this show to bring you back to reality. THE CRUISE SHIP COMPANY AND EMPLOYEES DO NOT CARE IF YOU GO MISSING OR ARE MURDERED. If you go overboard or suddenly go missing, they lowkey throw their hands up in the air, shrug, and leave the port almost immediately for the next spot.
“Oh no, your daughter is missing? Welp! Off to Antigua!!”
It’s actually borderline comical how much they do not care. They have karaoke lined up after the comedy show on the 5th floor tonight (idfk), and nothing, not even a human trafficking ring or murder spree, will be stopping them from that!
And ok, say you’re still alive (miraculously) but on an excursion that the boat itself has booked you on in one of the cities on your list of stops — they will LEAVE YOU STRANDED and claim that you CAN’T GET BACK ON at their own whim. Doesn’t matter that all of your belongings and things are on the boat and that you paid for it and that it was their fault that you were late to get back on; they will not help you figure it out, and they actually act in a way where they want to punish you more and make you suffer.
STOP GOING ON THE CRUISES IN THE FIRST PLACE. It is the only way to save yourself! Be proactive!
And to bring it back to the diseases of it all — YOU ARE TRAPPED. Did the pandemic teach you nothing??? Everyone on a cruise at the beginning of COVID was royally fucked. One person has a cough (god forbid it be one of the chefs), and you’re all donezo. Whole city wiped out. And sorry if this is a mean hot take, but you all lowkey need to stay out there in your new homeland of that floating city and deal with it yourselves. Sorry, but don’t you boast about having doctors’ offices and shit on there? Great, use ‘em. Don’t immediately get on an airplane and make it all of our problem that you decided to make poor choices (go on a cruise) and get diseased!!!! Figure it out amongst your cruising-loving selves.
As someone who lives in NYC, I am obviously now on high alert any time someone even dares sneeze near me. Were you on the cruise??? Or in contact with someone who was??? How quickly does this thing spread?? (And keep your stupid conspiracy theories about the virus and any and all anti-vax (or weird “cure” solutions) bs away from me, I’m not doing it again. COVID was enough for me to cut people off, so whiff an air of “but actually” near me and we’re done).
I guess we all just have to watch this space for what’s to come for us all! Hope at least we’re all on the same page now.
Disclaimer: my feelings do not apply to yachts, even very big yachts that can fit around 40ish people. And if you want to invite me onto your yacht, or yacht-trip, I will come. Those kinds of boats we have more control over and are therefore cool with me. I.e., the yacht trip I went on for a week in Croatia, which was amazing. A yacht full of only friends and not a mega death disease city floating on water.
So to be clear, anti-cruise, pro-yacht. Thank you.
Xx,
B
I second the anti cruise, pro yacht