Week Forty-Four
spring cleaning
IN:
70+ degree days when you’re already wfh because you have a cold, so you can take yourself on a mid-day walk to the East River to bring yourself to the sea to heal yourself via the proximity to water like Beth from Little Women (spoiler alert, RIP, she did not survive her sickness).
iced oat vanilla lattes
semi-private pilates classes
shaking your Chipotle bowl a la how a Kardashian shakes their salad
listening to the Golden Hour album by Kacey Musgraves, top to bottom on repeat
advertisements that are painted/murals
OUT:
having a cold
April Fools Day
sleeping with your best friend’s ex (Summer House drama)
SCOTUS even taking the time to hear the arguments in the birthright citizen case (a case that shouldn’t have even been brought and should have been thrown out from day dot as a ridiculous offense against our Constitution)
trying on jeans (every pair of jeans at Still Here are dead to me)
being able to hear your neighbor’s TV through the wall
BFFR:
OUT: April Fools Day
Did you really think the BFFR this week could be about anything else?? Honestly, actually, there were so many OUT topics I could have written about this week, two of which I may be saving for a later date: i.e., sleeping with your best friend’s ex (Summer House drama) or SCOTUS hearing the arguments in the birthright citizen case (a case that shouldn’t have even been brought etc…).
But no, this week is reserved for what I believe to be one of the most absurd practices in American culture. Hey! Let’s pick one day a year where we all just lie to each other and then make people feel lame as fuck once we convince them of said lie, but then call them a fool for believing it. Sounds fab!
Absolutely not.
I’ll admit, I am not immune to April Fools and being a kid who found it funny, I vividly remember being in Florida during spring break in middle school and calling my best friend Megan to tell her in intricate detail how I was finally doing it — moving to Florida full-time to live down there and play tennis/take my tennis career more seriously (tbh this wasn’t something so out of the realm). She believed me, freaked out, and I got to tell her APRIL FOOLS, YOU LITERAL IDIOT. And wow, B!! Really got her with that one!! Maybe if you did move down to Florida, you’d be halfway done with your professional tennis career and a millionaire by now, rather than doing whatever it is you’re doing in NYC!! Great job!!
But those kinds of “pranks” from 2007 are not even what I’m talking about; it’s not how anyone “plays” an April Fools prank in 2026. April Fools has devolved into something genuinely disturbing and, quite frankly, annoying. In an age where we have a literal President of the United States out here saying the most ludicrous shit on a daily basis, like renaming the Gulf of Mexico to the “Gulf of America” (a benign example) that we’re now immune to believing and ignoring so much of what we read (which is also ruining us slowly and eating away at our ability to remember what is normal and decent behavior and how to hold people accountable for blatant stupidity) — you want me to log on to every social media app on April 1st and see news outlets, corporations, and people who post news-related information stating things as “fact” and me not believe them?
In an age where we already have to question literally every single thing that we read every single day in the most exhausting fucking fashion, can you (read: major CPG corporation and/or “news” purveyor) not partake in this “holiday” and then have our brains once again confused on whether this is just another day in the new hell that we live in, or if this is a “joke”?? Our words and the meaning behind them are more important now than ever. We actually sadly can’t afford an entire day where even more people are lying for sport (because so many people in serious positions of power are already doing that to us daily).
Also, in an age where our algorithms aren’t even in fucking chronological order anymore (because god forbid any social media app make sense like they used to) you are going to post things on April 1st, with no idea when someone may read it (probably April 3rd) and expect them to check the date of the tweet/post/etc. and know you were “April fooling them!!!” or make sure they read the tweet/post, whatever, after that clarified that IT WAS ALL A JOKE!! No one is going to do that. No one checks into something they’ve read that deeply anymore. And yep, there goes the new Reddit page all about that “joke” you posted, that is now the basis of some new conspiracy theory because some person on the internet fell for your “joke”, and now yep the page actually has 100 people following along and contributing and what was once a small “lie” has spread like wildfire and made everyone stupider. Congrats!!
Be so fucking for real right now. Grow up.
And another thing! Why are we starting APRIL FOOLS jokes in MARCH??? Why are you laying the groundwork for the dumbass fucking prank you’re about to pull over on us all in literal MARCH?? Are you serious? Yeah, I’m looking at you, Buncha Crunch, a candy I’ve never been caught dead eating at a movie theater (peanut M&Ms supremacy) and now certainly never will. They posted from their company page on March 30th (aka two days before April 1) that they were going to roll out “Buncha Crunch” dispensers at movie theaters to more easily add the candy to your popcorn. Everyone quickly called them out, and most of the replies roughly said, “If this is an April Fool’s joke, I am going to sue and never eat this candy again,” so by the time April 1 rolled around, the company had to basically beg the public for forgiveness because IT WAS OBVIOUSLY A LIE.
You play stupid games, you win stupid prizes.
We can have April Fool’s Day back when we’ve earned it, by living in a society that is once again operating in a normal fashion, run by sane adults, and where we’re not living day to day in fear of the next headline we see, aka fucking never at this rate.
And with that, I am done with April Fool’s Day! See ya!
Xx,
B
Most believable prank ever!
There is no hack to the painted murals. I saw them painting it on Sunday. Paint brush and paint and elevated surface