Week Forty
you are what you love
IN:
4 mins and 10 seconds into Daylight by Taylor Swift
randomly speaking in a British accent
befriending the people who are sitting next to you at a restaurant
peace (in your own life, in the world, in general)
Harry Styles’ new album coming out today (promise you that by the time you’ve read this I’ve already listened to it at least 5 times through)
OUT:
sentences with a bunch of words I (or another normally intelligent person) cannot define (you’re not special, or better than us, it comes off lame and weird and try hard)
war (all kinds — real crazy take I know)
sitting too close to the table next to you at a restaurant so you can’t get up without disrupting them
being afraid to be/do things that are “cringe”
not returning the loaner umbrellas at work so that there aren’t any for me to loan on a day when it’s torrentially down pouring
eating Famous Amos at the office (this is a note to self to STOP)
BFFR:
This week I’ve actually decided to post a BFFR from this summer (Week Ten), one I really needed to hear then and once again need to hear now. We’re all works in progress!!
OUT: being afraid to be/do things that are “cringe”
This entire BFFR is directed at one person: myself. I need to get a grip and get over it. It’s not cringe to be into something, or put yourself out there, or try to pursue something you might fail miserably (and publicly) at. Grow up! Who cares! Just try it! Keep going!
You (Dave, the “you” for this particular BFFR is going to be me this time — I know that really tripped you up last week) are constantly complaining that you want more and feel like you are “built for more,” (whatever the hell that means) but when it comes time to doing something about it and shamelessly putting yourself out there you chicken out!! So nope, we’re done with that — done being afraid. You made your first TikTok a few weeks ago and you’re going to make more!! Sorry sis, but get to it!! And you will take more photos and videos of yourself in public (taking a photo of myself at pilates was so hard, I wanted to throw up from embarrassment). And you will keep bringing B List cards around with you everywhere you go and plug this goddamn Substack like it’s already a winner — because it is!! Face it, as “embarrassing” as it is, it’s already more fun than you were having a few months ago when you were just jealous of other people who were out here trying, so be positive for once in your life. Even your five-year-old niece is putting herself out there every single day, never embarrassed, just herself, and she’s a ray of sunshine full of confidence and light — embody her when you get nervous!
“Oh no, what will the people from HS or college (or even work) think of me if they see me marketing myself on every social media platform known to man??” WHO. CARES. Move on! It doesn’t matter what they think or what they’ll say about you behind your back. What matters is that you’re actively trying, and you’re having fun, and you feel good about it. People will always talk shit (as a fellow shit-talker, I get it, it’s really fun) so don’t try to control the narrative 24/7 in the hope that everyone likes you and will subscribe (literally and figuratively) to your vision. It’s exhausting, and you can’t keep up with it anymore. You can only control yourself, and hey, news flash, not everyone will love you (or even like you)!! Insert that Dita Von Teese (queen) quote that everyone used to love using as their fb statuses in high school that I should keep reminding myself of:
“You might be the ripest, juiciest peach in the world, but some people just don’t like peaches” - Dita Von Teese
Whew, is it just me, or is this starting to sound like a journal entry?? Maybe I should tone it down a bit?? Or, instead, I can full send/lean in and keep going. Loop you all into my personal ramblings. As the top of the post says this week, and as I’ll keep saying to myself, another new reminder is: embarrassment is the price of entry. So, embarrass yourself a little more, B, who cares!
Embarrassment is the price of entry. And that’s true for most things. Especially when putting yourself out there in any way, whether it be through this practice of being vulnerable on the internet (to what feels like a void), or through dating, or even when asking for more at work — it can be sooooo embarrassing. It can come off so needy and whiny and complain-y (my worst nightmare) — when in reality, the “embarrassment” you’re feeling is the only way to get in, it’s the only way through, and the only way to be successful. As Jay-Z (confirmed success story) once said, a closed mouth doesn’t get fed.
The fear of not having done something and not trying to pursue your dreams should outweigh the fear of being embarrassed. It should scare you that there could be a time 50 years from now where you’re mortified that you let the fear of being cringe and embarrassed stop you from really putting yourself out there. And that does scare me! It’s why I’m here, writing this! I know I have one silly little life, and I don’t want to have regrets at the end of it because I held myself back. So, actually, I’m going to do a quick reframe and be nicer to myself (we’re working on it) and be thankful that I’ve even taken this first step toward personal growth. I recognize that it’s a big step for me, and that I’ve only just started, and that I will definitely still be embarrassed taking a video of myself in public or begging my friends to take photos of me, but it will go away with time. Rejection/desensitization therapy incoming!! And as I always say, “rejection is redirection.” (Has this BFFR just turned into my saying every random quote that I try to live my life by now?? Let’s throw in my favorite quote, “pressure is a privilege,” just to cap off the quote section of this BFFR. It doesn’t really apply here, but still.)
And ok, I’m sorry, but side note, can Gen-Z stop with calling millennials “cringe” or using the term “millennial” effectively as a slur? “The millennial pause” and whatever else you say we do that is odd — shut the hell up, you guys are weird as shit too, and we’re all being f’d over by the boomers (and ignored by Gen X) too much we don’t have time to be fighting over dumb shit because you find us embarrassing — read what I said above (if you’ve learned how to read)!!! It’s not that I want Gen-Z’s love and affection (read: I do), but they’re so scary to me. They’re like if my middle school bullies followed me into my adult years. But, just like those losers, I’m going to stand up to them and use my sarcastic deflection techniques to get them off my back and keep “embarrassing” myself — because why?? Say it with me, people! Embarrassment is the price of entry!!
And to my fellow millennials out there reading this that are still rolling their eyes and will continue to scoff at me, or make fun of me, or not take me seriously — I’m so sorry that you’re so miserable that you’ve forgotten how to let loose and have fun!! I don’t mean to be harsh to my fellow Listers, but I say all of this with love, a fear of being perceived is also a major problem that you lame-os need to get over, it’s almost worse than my fear of being cringe/embarrassing — so look in the mirror and get off my back too, thanks!
And if you don’t believe me (or are a bit more literary), you can watch this clip of Ocean Vuong from a few weeks ago where he talked about something similar in re this fear of being cringe (in a far more eloquent way than me, of course, the voice of our generation). In under two minutes he encapsulates it all and manages to give me three quotes that really stuck with me (classic, Ocean). So if my words didn’t work for you, maybe his will:
[They] don’t want to be seen as trying and having an effortful attempt at their dreams.
They perform cynicism because cynicism can be misread, as it often is, as intelligence — you are disaffected, you are too cool, you’ve seen it all.
Sincerity is something we deeply hunger for…but we are embarrassed when sincerity is in the room.
As a “very cool and very chill girl” (everyone has always seen right through this and has known that I’m neither cool nor chill) — maybe it’s time to let the guard down a bit, be less cynical, and be more sincere. Because again, what’s the worst thing that could happen? People don’t buy in? Ok, let them!! (Oh no, Mel Robbins making an appearance this week too…I was afraid this was inevitable.)
Ok, before I get carried away down a Mel Robbins “let them theory” rant and I lose you all, to recap this journal entry of a BFFR this week, it’s ok to be earnest (this is me talking to myself again), and opening yourself up to people for them to reject you or make fun of you, is ok. It’s part of life, and part of living a full life. And to be quite honest, it’s their loss if they don’t want to join you on this journey because you’re cool, smart, and (most importantly) funny af — and the journey is just getting started! Keep going, B. The haters are gonna hate, but I’m just gonna shake it off (sorry, I had to).
Xx,
B